How to Train A Woman

If you want to own her and keep her,
Read the lines below;
They are tried and tested tricks
That every man should know.

Jane or Susie or Meg-- call her what you will
It should make no difference to you.
Call her Dull or Shallow or Dumb,
As long as she comes running when you do.

Ask her questions, feed her the answers
Snort when she offers an opinion;
You're always right, you explain to her,
That's your idea of a conversation.

Buy her no flowers, give her no gifts,
Utter no praise for a good deed;
Compare her weaknesses to her mother's and say:
The plant grows but from the seed.

When she gets upset, as she sometimes will,
Sit back and enjoy the silence;
If she speaks up when she's had her fill,
Sweet talk her back into obedience.

Laud her at your dinner parties,
Commend her for the things she's done--
But make sure she knows she owes you
When all of the guests have gone.

Frown at her curiosity and her wandering soul,
Emphasize that her place is by her man;
That no one but you will forgive her faults,
Though if she wants to leave, she can.

Tell her that people are fickle, and people are cruel,
That they don't love her as much as she thinks they do;
Tell her that friendships are ridiculous
Because all she really needs is you.

Encourage her to chase her dreams
But make it clear you've sacrificed your own;
Her conscience will keep her from doubting
The selfless action that you've shown.

Do still be sweet on her,
Don't disparage her all the time--
for if the victim is a willing one
Where, then, is the crime?

If you want to own her and keep her,
Follow the advice above;
That's how you train a woman...
Unless you're looking for love.