Tuesday, October 6, 2009

It's vanity, is all

It is my hope to be able to look fixedly at my reflection in the mirror--- with conviction, confidence and acceptance. To look myself in the eye everyday and say, "You're okay."

I've always behaved within certain boundaries, restricting my actions, feelings and thoughts to what is acceptable--- as a child, a friend, a sister, a mother, a wife, a woman. I've spent years trying to measure up, fit in and get along.

It's almost impossible to say "I'm okay" when people who matter to me say, "You're not." Not smart enough, not kind enough, not loving enough, not interesting enough, not funny enough, not thin enough, not feminine enough, not beautiful enough, not sensitive enough, not supportive enough, not happy enough, not grateful enough...

Not enough. I'm incomplete and lacking.

Though I am imperfect, I am also unfinished.

I've decided I want to think and feel as I please, and I should not have to suffer in guilt for it. I want to be able to experience friendships with other people, as me; not as someone's child, wife or mother.

I am all that. But that is not all I am.



Peter S. said...

"I am all that. But that is not all I am." -- How Zen koan!

In a way, I think being incomplete is a good thing. It allows us to have other people, our experiences, our failures, and our triumphs to complete us.

Being complete is boring.

mental wayfarer said...

I think being half-done is a good thing, too. But being molded into something one is not...

Tee-hee on the Zen comment.:)

Anna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anna said...

You are God's beautiful project...a work in progress.

mental wayfarer said...

Anna: Thank you! I'm very happy you stopped by.:)